Bismillah. Assalamualaikum..

When I was a kid I dreamt to be a teacher and I don't know why, maybe because ayah is a teacher so I took that as aspiration lol. I wasn't being exposed with other ambitions sebab my relatives mostly are teacher. Atuk pun teacher. So teacher jelah. Hiks. My first day when I was in primary school (darjah satu uols hingus leleh leleh lagi) most of the teachers will ask 'okay my beloved students I want each one of you to introduce yourself'. So name, ambition, hobby tu are something common during self-intro. When my turn came I told them that my ambition is to become a teacher and fuhhh I can see the teacher was so proud and happy. hihihihi. When it came to other students punya turn, lawyer ada, bomba ada, askar ada, polis ada, dokhhtor ada, and the most tak boleh blah is perdana menteri, guess what the one that said that was a girl and I was like 'fuhhh ambitious betul ni'. Penat jugalah every year had to do the same thing during the first day of school and my ambition always be the same, to become a teacher. Nasib baik tak bertukar jadi perdana menteri atau menteri belia dan sukan atau menteri kabinet dan seangkatan dengannya. ahhaaa.

But then when I was form 3 if I'm not mistaken I changed my ambition from teacher to doctor. I think maybe because at that time I'm more matured in choosing and planning my future. Mungkin sebab I love reading satu komik manga ni about doctor, team medical dragon. Best gila cerita tu. I memorised all the medical terms used in it. Tapi sekarang dah tak ingat. Cis. Somehow the reason why I changed my goal remained vague. When I was form 4 I got the offer to study in MRSM Taiping and I accepted the offer. After I started my upper form then I became more interested in becoming a doctor. I loved to learn about cardiovascular system. I memorized everything about the cardio thingy (tipulah everything) hehe. That was the point where I'd decided to become cardiothoracic surgeon. Ambitious betul. kahkah.

After getting a good result in SPM, I applied for MARA's preparatory programme and chose to study medicine in Ireland. However I didn't manage to be listed under International Baccalaureate (IB) programme at KMB. Among 2000 that came but for different courses and it's not just medic, only 50 were chosen to pursue medicine under this prog. Hampa. Then once the UPU result was out, I got UiTM for Foundation in Science. I accepted the offer and declined the offer from Kolej Mara Kulim for matriculation study. Sebab jauh kat kedah sana. Cukuplah jauh setakat Taiping sahaja. But during the first semester, my result was moderate and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to apply for medicine course. On the second semester I got a good result. Alhamdulillah. It was beyond my expectation. But after added the pointer from the first and second semester I still didn't pass the requirement to apply for medicine course in any IPTAs.

I cried so bad when I haven't got an interview from USM for MD. Of courselah dah guna pointer first sem memanglah tak dapat. ZZzzZZzz. I cried in front of mama ayah (seriously tak pernah buat kot) because I couldn't hold my tears dah. Then another heartbreaking news happened. I didn't get any interviews from universities that I'd applied for medicine course. When I heard my friends got interviews for medicine course in UKM, Unimas, USM, it made me hurt even more. Of course I was so happy for them but it hurt me because I just can see them happy and I didn't get to experience that kind of happiness. It was just making me sad. And it was even more hurt when some of your friends texted you and said 'pain dapat tak iv medic uni bla bla bla, aku dapat Alhamdulillah' It was such a terrible feeling. I know they wanted to share their happiness but it just made my feeling even more worse. I felt hopeless. And I don't have enough strength to reply their text. For some of them I just replied 'Takde rezeki'. I swear that I checked for the result in the unis' websites so many time afraid that I've entered a wrong i/c number. But the result was the same. I hate the fact that I just can be a dreamer. I can't even realize my dream. Then after knowing that I also didn't get the offer for the pre-med prog. in UiTM Sg. Buloh, I just didn't feel anything. My feeling was numb. I neither felt sad nor happy. Well I guess I already moved on. I bet that everyone that has a dream to become a doctor but didn't get the chance to pursue in medicine, will experience this kind of heartbreak. Cliche. But that's the truth.

I keep thinking why do I feel so sad about all the things that had happened to me. It's like I'm not grateful with everything that I have. Macam aku tak redha apa yang Allah dah tetapkan. After all of the favors that Allah had given to me, got a good result in upsr, pmr, spm yet when he threw me with just a small test, I already felt hopeless and in stress.

Image result for so which of our favor that you denied

I cried because I lost myself in this dunya. I always pray to Allah 'Ya Allah if it has been written that I will pursue to study medicine and become a doctor, make it easy for me and bless me in doing it, if it's just making me neglecting You, neglecting my family thus turn it away from me and make me content with Your verdict O Allah'. Tawakkaltu Alallah.

Yesterday I had a serious kind of conversation with my pak der about my future.

Pak derkenapa pain nak jadi doktor? Meh sini pak der nak cakap. Pak der ada jumpa sorang 
doktor ni dia  dah kahwin, dah anak and anak dia pun doktor. Dia cakap kalau ada anak encik yang nak jadi doktor baik fikir lagi sekali. Kalau setakat jadi doktor sebab nak glamour, okay you will be glamour. People calling you doctor but after all, this profession is liveless, everyday on call, no time with family. Anak dia yang jadi doktor tu kalau boleh dia nak suruh jadi lain. Kurang nak ada masa dengan family. And it would be even worse when you are married and have a children. You really need to have a very understanding spouse. Even doctor sama doctor kahwin pun would have a crisis in their marriage. Semua sebab kurang masa bersama. Fikir betul betul kenapa nak jadi doktor. For the time being memanglah kita rasa macam nak sangat jadi doktor but I want you to think the consequences of being a doctor. Kalau dh memang rezeki Alhamdulillah tapi jangan nanti mengeluh pula. I dont want to intimidate you but I want you to know the reality...

Me: nodded..

Ada betulnya actually what pak der said to me. I felt like been slapped at my face with 2000 horse power speed. So deep. I know the reality of being a doctor but I just read that in the blog and I don't even feel anything because for me kalau aku nak aku nak juga. Lepas kena 'brainwash' tu rasa macam 'fuhhh berat ni'. Right now I just confuse with myself. Am I doing the right decision? Hmm. But when I did my istikhara my heart more favor in doing medicine. I don't know. Well, everything happens for a reason. I know He's going to give me the best thing in my life. He knows the best. I just need to trust Him and keep my faith. I love you Allah and will always do:) Alhamdulillah for everything.
Okay thats all. May Allah bless us all:)

p/s: cerita pasal masa depan memang panjang. hehehe.


  1. I am tearing.. Sometimes, the unpredictable is the best. Macam pain cakap.. Allah tahu apa yang terbaik.

    1. There would be rainbow after raining. Lets waiting for that rainbow:) yup you right fatimah:* Allah tahu apa yang terbaik.

    2. Pain whatever it is aku doakan yg trbaik :')
      And aku rsa kau p perdana u kot.. jgn lupa Allah and jgn lupa aku eventhough aku tak slalu dkt dgn hg and support your back.thanks for everything :)

    3. tirah your name kebabomm betullah hahaha. awww thank you tirah. I wont In shaa Allah. I wont forget my besties of course!! I know i can count on you. lets keep in touch no matter what happens. plis plis plis dont keep yr distance from me tau. dont worry ure forever my bae okay. mmuahhh.